fourteenth note to self - numbers

down 3 lbs last week. Pants aren't loose, yet, but only because they were SO tight that I have to get to fitting before they start falling off. But even then, I can tell. I'm getting a little teeny bit smaller. and it's cool.

and I can't think about how much smaller I need to get. Or how many sizes I need to drop. Or the 3 digits plus of poundage that need to come off before I get close to my goal. I have to think about today. TODAY I will do my best.

sometimes today is even too long to think about it. sometimes it's "this morning" or "before I go to bed" or "while at Chili's"

baby steps, self, baby steps. One day at a time. that's all you need to do.

m

thirteenth note to self - new feelings

Something I'm noticed over that last 2 1/2 weeks of eating like a normal healthy(ish) person, I'm not used to not being FULL. I'm also not used to be hungry (or what I thought was hunger). I always bounced between the two extremes. Now, not so much. Now, I don't ever really feel starving. My stomach doesn't growl. I don't ever feel week or deprived. It's cool.

I also don't ever feel crazy full. That overwhelming full where the pants get unbuttoned and the couch screams for you to join it. That one is harder to get used to, and a couple times I have lost the battle to a serving of mashed potatoes so I could feel that solid lump in my belly.

that lump = my (previous) definition of full.

I'm also not used to being satisfied. I'm not used to feeling like I've had the exact right amount food when I only had a little bit, or when then is some left, or before I eat so much I can feel the food backing up in my throat.

It's a good feeling, for sure. But new. And new is weird a little bit. It feels real, and solid, and like something I can actually do for, like, ever. Which is kinda the goal.

me

twelfth note to self - reminder

WRITE HERE! You feel better when you do. So keep doing it. k, you?!

me

eleventh note to self - recharge

It might be time, already, to go back and read what you've written to yourself. Maintaining good habits this weekend was kinda hard. I did okay, but not great. What I need to remember is that great isn't going to happen all the time. Or even most of the time. This is a lifestyle change and I can't expect myself to do great, like ever. Good will be good enough. Good is sustainable. You can do good.

Remember, do not set yourself up for failure with unrealistic goals.
Remember, baby steps. You've had a lifetime to get used to your unhealthiness. It's going to take some time to get used to healthy.
Remember, write here. Come back and read this. I'm 5 minutes into this post and I can already feel a shift in my brain and body. Sounds weird, I'm sure, but it's like writing it down simultaneously lifts me up and grounds me. crazy. It motivates me and reminds me why I'm doing this.

You can do this. You ARE doing this. Keep it up.

me

p.s. oh yeah, down 5 pounds last week.

tenth note to self - halfies

A few tricks:

Half of (I'm guessing any) restaurant meal can be set aside and you'll be plenty full. If the meal can't be cut in half and set aside, like with a sandwich, ask the server to only plate half, and box the other half. Or ask for a box when the meal arrives and half it yourself. Today, though, you were strong enough to cut in half and leave it on your plate until after the meal. Good job, self!

Eat slowly. Putting the fork down between bites helps a ton.

Drink a few gulps of water between each bite. Not only does that help slow things down, it also helps fill the belly. And, as an extra perk, it gives your hands something to do while you're not holding the fork.

me

ninth note to self - don't compare

So what if by 8:00 am someone else has already been to the gym for spin class, and weight training! You aren't her. You can't control what she does. You can only control what you do.

Besides, this morning you woke up feeling good. You got the kids ready without conflict. You packed food for the day so you won't have to eat fast food. You brought water along for the ride to work so you wouldn't stop for a soda. You had a healthy snack at work and didn't have the urge to take that last donut.

I dunno, Michelle. Sounds like a good morning so far!

me

eighth note to self - moderation

When you don't indulge every. single. meal. there is an enormous reward after the times you do treat yourself.

Take right now. You have been diligent all week. Been making good choices and eating in moderation. Doing that made the chicken veggie sandwich from Bertha's that much better. Its like anything that is good. When done I moderation its - it's fantastic!!!

Equally important, you made a good choice with the sammy. Keep doing that! Sure, it has that delicious mayo. But it also has a ton of veggies. So the bread and mayo were a splurge. Enjoy it and stay on program. If you do, the next time you indulge you will be more likely to feel that great food high that you are currently riding.

me

seventh note to self - today

breathe.
You are not going to be thin in a week.
Let it go.
Live one day at a time.
Make healthy choices TODAY.
Live for today.
Don't worry about "having to do this for the rest of my life"
Today.
Just do your best.
Accept that it's going to take a long time.
Accept that it's going to take way longer than you would like.
Accept that it's going to take just as much time as it needs to take.
Accept.
Breathe.
Decide.
Choose.
Live.

me

sixth note to self - verses

Hunger vs. Habit. I can already tell that this is going to be the first of many "hunger verses" questions that I'm going to have with myself. This point was made clear while driving home and talking to peter about the evening plans. It was 5:00 and I felt hungry. Or so I thought. Peter made the comment that it's hard to tell, is it "hunger or habit?" I hadn't thought about habit much before. Which is semi-frightening, actually. But once I did, it didn't take much a minute or two for the belly to quiet down and the thought of food to vanish.

So remember, question yourself. Are you hungry? Really hungry? Does your body need food? Or are you in the habit of eating? Does this place, time, scenario, room, trigger something that makes you feel like you want to eat?

If you are hungry, eat.

If you are continuing a HABIT, don't eat. Easy peasy, right!? (haa!)

me

fifth note to self - black hole

A while back, after a day of full on eating and drinking and indulging, remember how incredibly empty you felt? How now matter what you put into your mouth there was a vacancy? A black hole of emptiness that made you wonder what was missing? This pit that, you thought, called for food, but the more you gave it, the bigger it got? Remember how you sat there, half sick, and then you realized the shell of yourself you were trying to complete wasn’t anywhere near fulfilled?

Remember?

Yeah, I thought so. That void? That’s emptiness? It needs to be filled with confidence and love and attention to self. NOT FOOD. Remember that, would ya? Remember when you feel hallow it’s time to look inward and praise yourself. It’s time to pray for strength. It’s time to believe that you rock. It’s time to take control.

It’s not time to stuff that hole with food or drink. Remember!

me

fourth note to self - agua

You like water!

Yes, you do. No...I'm not lying. You really really do. TRUST ME.

me

third note to self - do-over

I know you've been thinking about why you've let yourself get so out of control. What happened to you? Something had to have happened, right? I mean people don't just become obese without something tragic or some other shit happening, do they?

Yes, they can. Oh well, YOU can. YOU did. Nothing expectionally bad has ever really happened to you to excuse not taking care of yourself. NOTHING HAPPENED SELF! Get over it. You've just allowed yourself to not give a damn. Quit blaming. Quit searching. Just quit.

Start over. Today. Decide that it doesn't matter if something did or did not happen. start over. Start caring about yourself, today!

me

second note to self - get control

This is about control. And food. You have allowed food to control you. Is that how you want to live, letting something else control you? That's not how you live in any other aspect of your life. So why food? Why let it control you?

Turn this around. YOU be in control of food. YOU decide. YOU choose. YOU live.

me

first note to self - not hungry

I woke up this morning and I wasn't hungry. Which is strange because I wasn't hungry last night either. I'm not really used to not feeling hungry. Or at least feeling like I had to eat. It feels good. Like my body has figured something out. Like it turned around to look at itself and said HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THAT BUFFET!!!

me